Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
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Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
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No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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