I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
