I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
