I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
