I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
