I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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