you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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