My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize