I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
