can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
