My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Someone came in the potted fern
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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