ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
