Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
