You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
