I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
