I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
