Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
