Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
