My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
