I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
