You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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