There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
