I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
