we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
