I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
