The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
