Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
how can u be prego again
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
