Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
