this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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