I met the friendliest cop last night
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
