Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
