you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
