no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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