He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
