can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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