I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
