Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
