"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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