when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
