"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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