Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
