My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
