New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
