eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you inspire me to be a worse person
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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