Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
