ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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