You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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