if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
