While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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