Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
