I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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