I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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