A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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