i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
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I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
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I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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