false alarm. still invincible.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
