my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
