I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
