Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You are the jesus of drinking
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
